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ARTEMUS WARD
(PSEUDONYM OF CHARLES FARRAR BROWNE)
American humorist
(1834 - 1867)

As for me, give me turtle or give me death. What is life without turtle? nothing. What is turtle without life? nothinger still.
      - [Gluttony]

Imagine for a moment Napoleon I, to have borne the name of Jenkins, or Washington to have sustained the appellation of John Smith!
      - [Names]

My wife is one of the best wimin on this Continent, altho' she isn't always gentle as a lamb with mint sauce.
      - A War Meeting [Women]

The happy married man dies in good stile at home, surrounded by his weeping wife and children. The old bachelor don't die at all--he sort of rots away, like a pollywog's tail.
      - Draft in Baldinsville [Matrimony]

I am not a politician, and my other habits air good.
      - Fourth of July Oration [Politics]

I can't sing. As a singist I am not a success. I am saddest when I sing. So are those who hear me. They are sadder even than I am.
      - Lecture [Music]

They drink with impunity, or anybody who invites them.
      - Moses the Sassy--Programme [Drinking]

Why don't you show us a statesman who can rise up to the emergency, and cave in the emergency's head.
      - Things in New York [Statesmanship]


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